it is okay to cry

Yesterday I was having dinner alone when my sister entered the dining room. I tried to act normal but did not make any eye contact nor greeted her. I continued eating and tried to be “okay”. The moment she asked, Are you okay? I started crying again.

I could not explain the sadness that I feel. Sometimes, it is just comforting to cry. It doesn’t come often but when it does, tears just keep flowing through my eyes. And I remember all sorts of things.

It started on Friday night. It was a busy day and I just wanted to finish everything that I could before the weekend hits. It was past 8 pm and I still had things left undone. Another sister raised her voice and started to get angry with me for not giving her clear instructions on an assignment. Her furious and loud voice scared me.

I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to shame her. I just wanted to make everything right. But for her, my rebuke is an attack on her personally. I forgot that she had this attitude. I forgot how sensitive she is to corrections.

I prayed to God silently because I don’t want to be in this position. I hate it when we are fighting especially on petty things.

I wanted to remain silent but I also wanted to voice out my side.

I did not want to cry. I did not want attention. But I cried while I was having dinner. I cried because I pity myself for being shouted upon and being the weaker sibling amongst us. I cried because of fear about the future. What if this goes on until we’re older?

The hurtful words she said to me still sting. And as of the moment, I cannot remember the good times we had together.

But I know and I believe that I can forgive because it is the only way to heal.

For now, it is okay to cry and be sad. But it isn’t okay to be stuck in this situation forever.

hungry vs. feeling hungry

The battle is over! No more daily dose of Kremil s and no more serious stomach pains.

After my visit from a gastroenterologist a few months back, I had a light bulb moment! I realized that I always feel hungry because of two things. One–I always thought that I will feel hungry at a certain hour and two I eat too much glucose.

It has been almost nine months since I cut down my rice intake and limited my sugar/ carbs intake. I also avoided my trigger food such as caffeinated drinks/food, chilis and coconut milk. And I am so happy that it actually works for me!

This journey started back in December when I interviewed some entrepreneurs during a convention. I noticed that they were not eating too much rice. Some only eat one meal a day. I am so amazed how they can do it and wanted to try for myself if I can. My goal is to restore my digestive system and not to cut down weight. I wanted to make a long term solution to my hyperacidity.

It was difficult at first. I always had hunger pangs. And cutting out glucose made me “feel” hungry. I persisted and did it anyway. After all, I was desperate in fixing this problem in order to do more things!

After a month, I started eating more carbs but this time I made sure I ate more meat and vegetables. I also limited my sweets intake but I did not deprive myself. I usually indulge in desserts on sunday lunches because I know that it is the safest time of the day (an excuse to eat chocolates!)

I slowly saw the results. After months of doing this, I realized that I am feeling less hungry now. Before I started the shift, I would feel hungry before lunch time and would always feel bad when I eat past the hour. But right now, I can eat at one o’clock without feeling regretful. Yes, I am hungry but I can wait if I wanted to finish some things.

That visit to the doctor made me realize that it is okay to be hungry. It is okay to eat past meal time. His words freed me from all my thoughts and worries about hyperacidity. I am also reminded that our bodies have enough food to let us through.

Yes we should not exploit it and that we should always be mindful that we should eat but at times and if necessary, we can go past meal time and still survive.

I hope someday I can also do one meal a day and try fasting. But for now I am happy of my progress!

here is a very recent breakfast meal. Not shown are the five pieces of cheese sticks I ate on the side and some pomelo for dessert! haha

grace overflows

It was only Wednesday morning, the middle of the week, but I felt so overwhelmed with business concerns. I felt like a failure because all I can see are the errors that I have made. Guilt crept my mind multiple times. Why did I not check repeatedly? Why did I bypass controls? Why was I not prudent enough?

In the middle of it all, I prayed a desperate prayer of help and forgiveness. Maybe I was too proud and thought I could do it all. But this time, I sought the Lord and asked for guidance. God immediately provided a solution to the errors that I have made. I felt an overwhelming peace and grace. I am redeemed! Yes, I made some errors but that made me see how I can receive grace.

I realized that I am capable of receiving grace so underserved and yet God willingly gave.

And because I have received grace, I can also extend grace to every person that I meet or encounter.